Why Doing The Most Is Not The Way To Parent in 2021
When I first became a mother, I can’t even begin to tell you how much pressure I was under. The pressure to be perfect and to go above and beyond every single day. The pressure to “do this” and “avoid that” and to know everything there is to know about parenting as soon as you give birth. I remember three months into being a new mom, crying when I finally hired a nanny to help me out. I was surprised at where those emotions came from. They came from shame. Shame that I needed help when it was all supposed to come so naturally. Insecure that I wasn’t the same person I was before I had given birth. The worst part about it? All of these pressures were coming from me.
To be fair, these self-pressures were fueled by plenty of external factors, from the media’s representation of mothers to comparisons within our own circles of moms, all of which lead parents (especially new mothers) to believe that we are never doing enough for our children...but is “doing the most” really benefit you and your children? What kind of side effects comes with pushing ourselves to the limit? Are healthy boundaries even possible? How much is too much?
When it comes to our careers, we are often told to prioritize taking time for ourselves so that we aren’t working around the clock. This is to avoid burnout, a term used to describe a state of emotional, physical, and mental exhaustion caused by excessive stress. Burnout happens when we feel overwhelmed, emotionally drained, and unable to keep up with constant demands and the concept can be true when it comes to parenting as well.
The number of responsibilities a parent faces in an average day can easily take up 24 hours and as a new parent, we tend to convince ourselves that we are superhuman — capable of handling it all. We often tell ourselves that we can do everything (and more) because we don’t want to miss a minute of our children’s lives. Unfortunately, if and when we hit that wall (or suffer burnout), the side effects can be even more damaging to our parenting abilities. A burnt-out parent can lead to resentment, where they are much more likely to “snap” at their partner or their children. They are also more likely to completely shut down and avoid all responsibilities. It’s so important to listen to ourselves so that as parents, we can give it our all when we are able to and know when to take a break to recharge so we can continue to parent at full capacity.
Avoiding Burnout
I always find that a great way to avoid burnout and “overdoing it” is to not only create a schedule for myself every week but to share it with my partner and my children. I believe that communicating boundaries with our children at a young age is a great way to teach them respect for other’s boundaries early on. This is especially true when it comes to working from home, which so many of us are these days. Get your children familiar with work time, both for you and your partner so that it becomes a norm within the household.
On top of scheduling work time, it’s also important to schedule you time. Give yourself a set time every week where you do exactly what you want with no interruptions - moms need to recharge their batteries, and this isn’t possible if we’re doing the most.
Asking for what you need and want can be challenging, but it's important to verbalize how you feel. Being self-aware of these feelings will help you to navigate your emotions and take responsibility for them. We often have a mechanism called "unsaid game" that we play with our partner - one that our partner doesn't even know they're playing. "Why hasn't he noticed I'm tired." This is unfair to you and your partner. You must ask for what you need because people can't read your mind! Especially when you're sleep-deprived.Don't be frustrated at your partner for not doing x, y, z. Take accountability for your actions on why these things didn't happen (because you didn't ask for what you needed)
Each partner needs different things to be successful. Create a no-judgment zone, as what you and your partner’s needs are often other things. We each have various items that make us feel whole because our parenting roles are different from our partners. All in all, helping your partner and yourself be the best version of yourself, you have to ask and not be silent.