Showing Up For Your Partner as A New Parent

Navigating a newborn baby is hard. You’re getting used to your new role as a parent, your new role in your relationship, and a very new schedule that includes a lot less sleep then you’re used to. Let’s just say after the initial baby high wears off, you’re bound to find yourself in some new places emotionally. Here are some of my tips on how to show up for your partner (and yourself) with the power of communication. 

Defusing vs Igniting Stressful Situations 

Now I’m not going to assume any gender/identity roles here, but typically there are 2 partners parenting a new baby. In today’s society, one parent is generally leading and the other is in more of a supporting role. All of this is dependent on schedules, maternity leave, breastfeeding or bottle-feeding, and a hundred other factors. To keep things simple I’m going to use 2 titles; primary parent and supporting parent.

The primary parent is struggling to put the baby down after a long day. 

Ignite: Let me do it I can get the baby down.

Diffuse: You’ve had a long day, how can I support you right now? Is there anything I can do to take something off your plate? I’m happy to step in if you think that would help. 

The supporting parent is taking their turn with a feeding/diaper change etc and having a few struggles.

Ignite: You’re not doing it right, let me do it.

Diffuse: You’re doing great. We’re both new here, it doesn’t need to be perfect. If you have the mental space later I can show you some things that have worked for me. Thank you for helping out. 

These are 2 simple examples of how we can simply change our approach/verbiage to help diffuse intense situations, and lift our partners up instead of tearing them down. Reading the temperature of the situation is key. Knowing when to bring something up or to engage in a “talk” is vital to the success of good communication. 

In the beginning, we’re all just getting to know each other in this new space. “Wrapping up” the evening by spending a moment with your partner is a great way to set yourself up for success the next day. Here’s something that has worked for Tyler and I.

We have a tea ritual. Tyler makes tea and we sit down to go over what the next day looks like. This a nice time where we can both express our needs and share any struggles we experienced for the day. This is also where we check-in and make sure we are on the same page.

Here are some gems we’ve shared over these talks:

One - I had a really hard time committing to sleep training, and had gotten in the terrible habit of rocking Liam to bed (sometimes it would take up to 45 mins.) It was affecting the entire family dynamic. I knew we needed to teach and empower Liam to put himself to sleep, and Tyler expressed the need to really commit to sleep training.

I agreed, but wanted to make sure we followed some type of method so we could both be on the same page. I selected the method and Tyler decided he would take the lead. We both had clear roles and agreed on how to manage the situation. In a few weeks, we were all sleeping through the night.

By taking the time to establish our roles and responsibilities we both felt empowered in the situation. We unified around our common goal and supported each other. It was so rewarding in the end knowing we had worked together.

Two - Before baby number two, Tyler and I discussed our needs for ourselves to make it through each day. We both work really hard at making sure we each get our time to do these things so that we can fill our cups and show up for our family. You can read all about mine here.

Sharing and giving suggestions can be tough. I like to wait until the end of the day when we’re both in “chill mode” to share suggestions. I feel like it makes them easier to consume.

Choosing your wording is everything. ”I’ve noticed Liam seems to respond to X maybe that might help when changing a diaper.” Or put your self out there first. “I’m really struggling to change Liam’s diaper lately. I’ve been letting him hold the diaper cream as a distraction and it seems to help. Do you have any tips or tricks to get him to sit still?” Again knowing the temperature is everything.

In the end, it’s all about having compassion for one another. Remember, you’re on the same team. Have a clear set of goals and values that you can lean on in times of confusion and stress. Don’t forget to regroup and pivot if you need it, and be flexible. 

<3 BJS